After pretending that everything was all right with my mother and sister, I left the house, went to a row of storage units, got a kitchen knife, and asked myself if I should do this, because I might reincarnate into a worse life. After that, I went inside of a storage unit, closed the door, and tried to slit my arms with the knife, only I did it ineffectively… almost everything that I did left shallow pokes and scratches that barely bled.
I’ve been reluctant to talk about the reason for this, not only because it happened months ago but also because it isn’t even a good reason to stay upset. Normal people would be severely depressed over losing a loved one, losing their career, suffering from an incapacitating disease, or facing a long prison sentence. Me? I was socially rejected and banned from somebody’s mediocre restaurant after I almost got her fired over a joke that I made… that’s not a good reason to stay upset; that’s just embarrassing. I should be laughing it off, especially since it’s been five months, but here I am dwelling on it repeatedly, to the point where I’m afraid to go outside again.
Even though the mental anguish is occasionally so intense that I get headaches, I am probably not going to actually try anything lethal. My medication is keeping me from reaching that point, and I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty and shun his hobby (even if his politics are terrible) after learning that I fired one of his guns into myself.
All that I want to do is focus on my studies… I don’t want to repeatedly dwell on bullshit like this and take tranquilizers to calm myself down.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, comrade
We all suffer, acknowledging our pain is the most important thing and you’ve already went through that step. A thing that comes to mind is – do you tell the professional that gave you this medication about these ideations? Some antidepressants have suicidal thoughts as a side effect (I know, it’s absurd) like fluoxetine hydrochloride.
Another thing that comes to mind. We all do stuff that embarass others, or ourselves, we all make mistakes that affect people around us in some way or another. We have control over ourselves, but do we have control over the consequence of our actions? If something is outside your control, there’s nothing you can do, so it isn’t worth it beating yourself over it.
Once we realize we cannot change what is outside our control, and we focus on this thought, we can learn to let go of any attachments, regrets, resentments or these obsessive thoughts about certain events.
You’ve made a mistake, no big deal. We spend our lives making mistakes and learning and improving from them, so exposing yourself to new situations will certainly expose you to mistakes, but there’s no need to be afraid of those, as they are an opportunity for improvement too.
If you stay put, alone and isolated, the only experiences you will have in your memory is your past, which you cannot control, nor change. You’ll become more an more attached to them if you don’t struggle against this feeling. My suggestion is looking for people close to you, whether family, friends and colleagues, and reaching to them to hang out or something. Let yourself enjoy new experiences and soon enough this memory you’re attached to will gradually become a funny embarassing thing to remember, like you described