after a busy last week things have calmed down significantly; about to finish a 900 page book in three days, which is quite an accomplishment
after a busy last week things have calmed down significantly; about to finish a 900 page book in three days, which is quite an accomplishment
Awful. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and the usual shit that comes with working retail during the holidays. I’m never home anymore. I’m always at work. I’m always trying to fill orders with equipment that doesn’t work, in back rooms stuffed so full of pallets I can’t reach the product I need, with deadlines I can’t hit.
After I walked away from my friend group I stayed in touch with my best friend, and things were nice and it was a breath of fresh air at first, but now we fight all the time. He keeps going “I can’t keep doing this”, but I don’t know what he wants me to do. I feel like he engineers these impossible conversations where anything I could possibly say turns out to be wrong. If I point out that he’s contradicting himself, he gets upset because I know he has memory issues so I shouldn’t expect him to know what he told me last time. But he’s still allowed to get mad at me for doing what he asked…
He kept saying things about me that straight up weren’t true, not subjective, and didn’t acknowledge it when I told him he was wrong. I’m pretty sure I caught him trying to gaslight me right after I thought we made up.
I loathe everyone I know at this point. I know I need to give up on friends, but that just leaves me with my family, a bunch of homophobic leeches. My fucking father asked me for a DNA test on Thanksgiving. He could have asked decades ago, but he only decided now because he’s running out of excuses to fight with mom. All anyone ever wants to do is fight and tear other people down.
I need to learn how to stop feeling lonely without turning to other people. All they do is upset me.
Sounds like me from years ago.
I turned a bit towards doing civil disobedience. Which is—doing my own thing for myself rather than aiding anyone. To be honest, life was shit when I chose this because everyone around tried to make life shit even more for me. But it just turned out it was because how much they needed me while treating me like the most useless thing ever. And needed things to go back to the way it was, which was make use as well as abuse.
It will be shit but a way out of this seems to just be to ‘no’ anybody. To be genuine and if people are around, let them be. Oddly I do not do friends now, but have more people who are friendly than I could have had when I was in my previous situation.
Try looking for a non-essential job is my suggestion (retail labour is essential for the very people hurting you). Something in the arts was something you were already doing it seems (I saw the digital artist comment) so something which respects you a bit more than posting on those spaces would be fitting. Not quite what depends on the whims of other people. It is not exactly easy, yes, it is very tricky rather… it is easy to make many mistakes. But if you provide what is scarce (you’ll know when you see anyone asking if any such thing or resource exists on the internet anywhere and the answer is no, usually asked by people who do not have access to the more costly things in life), if you provide that while trying to figure out your thing, you’re more likely to get thank you’s rather than abuse. Especially when you provide more value than you ask for in return for it (in current market terms), and remain aware of the situation of the particular market you decide to engage in. Then, depending on your understanding of the situation, you could either continue or adapt your methods in the future.
I can’t say I haven’t felt desperate… but I feel at this moment I’ve already broken up the biggest problems which were persistently around me (in a permanent manner). An important thing to understand is malicious people usually rely on you, yourself, giving them a helping hand in them hurting you, so be aware of where and when you could possibly have been making it easier for them to be horrible to you without noticing it.
There are no jobs in my area besides factory work that will pay me as much as Walmart. I doubt I could even make pennies off art, it’s all being replaced by AI.
I agree about not having friends anymore. I’ve always craved human connection but I’m going to get over it.