Hi everyone, I am in my early thirties and have been dealing with something that has brought me a lot of shame and frustration.

I am still a virgin.

Putting my thoughts into words on this has been really hard, because for the past fifteen, even twenty years, I have internalized the feeling of being unattractive and a failed man (there are other factors for this, but those parts of my life are slowly getting back on track.) Also, I’ve had a lot of hostility on Reddit when I’ve tried to reach out on there in the past, so the motivation to really type this isn’t there.

I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts as best I can.

My primary and secondary school years sucked. Being autistic made me an easy target for bullies and I was picked on a lot by boys and girls alike. Girls would flirt with me or come on to me as a joke, then laugh in my face (or worse) if I took them seriously. One classmate took things so far that she went on a year-long harassment campaign of calling me a creep and telling me to kill myself.

Sixth form and university were my quiet years. I made temporary friends in both places but I keep in touch with virtually nobody. The girls I interacted with during those years seemed stuck-up and had no interest in even talking to me as a friend. I don’t know if it’s a thing about British women, or just the overall vibe at my uni, but I just get really frigid vibes.

Don’t even get me started on online dating. As a man, you cannot even get matches or replies unless you look like Ryan Gosling, and it is disheartening to have nearly every single one of your messages ignored, even in the modern days where every dating app is a Tinder clone and now requires you to mutually match to send a message. The worst one nowadays is Okcupid, where I realised that the only matches I even get are women on the other side of the world who blatantly falsify their location in the search for a Western husband and the means to a spousal visa.

I have had dates before, but about half of them she’s made excuses to bail and then blocked/unmatched/ghosted me afterwards, and it’s not like I knowingly did anything creepy.

I’ve also had girlfriends before, but I’ve only even kissed one of them. Two were LDR’s that fell apart the moment we closed the gap (of the two, one was a Chinese lady who my German friend tried to set me up with, the other was a Japanese girl who in retrospect was using me for English practice and help with her student visa.) Of the two that were in my country: one used me for my money and cheated on me, and the one that I did kiss we broke up because of the distance and the fact that our personalities just clashed (I was attracted to her but much of the time it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.)

My birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve debated on whether to pay a hooker to take my virginity (I’d likely go abroad for this. Prostitution is technically legal here but a lot of stuff associated with the sex industry isn’t.) I don’t want to end up in my forties not knowing what sex feels like.

The main reason I’m even considering this is because I’m fed up of trying to date people. My past experiences have left me feeling aromantic, but it feels like even the rare few women who are open to hookups wouldn’t go near me with a barge pole.

Am I doing all of this wrong? I have tried numerous things:

  • Dating apps: Okcupid, POF, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, Tinder, Bumble. Name the app and I’ve most likely used it. Most of them are owned by the exact same company and are just a different brand of snake oil anyway.
  • Asking friends if they know single women they can introduce me to. Only once has this actually happened.
  • Meeting women at work. I work fully remote now so this ain’t really an option, and even in the pre-COVID days, nearly every female colleague was not single.
  • Going to singles meetups. Last one I went to was a sausage fest and the only lady who I did speak to was a woman in her fifties with a wedding ring on her.
  • Changing the way I look and dress. I tried multiple styles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. I get short bursts of motivation to hit the gym and at one point spent a few months going through bro split and PPL split routines, sometimes going 4+ days a week.
  • Outset2568@lemmynsfw.comOP
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    1 year ago

    I remember you too!

    The worry I have about finding an escort online is the possibility of being scammed, robbed or encountering a trafficked sex worker. I also don’t know what a good or bad price is for one. Prices I’ve seen have gone from around £100/hour for incalls to some being several times more expensive than that. It’s why I’ve honestly thought about going to the Netherlands or Germany, where there are actually legal and regulated brothels.

    and another straight up snogged me. Never in my life did I think I would ever be snogged like that.

    Reminds me of a Hinge date I went on a few years back that went incredibly well. We had cocktails, then I awkwardly pulled a chat up line which led to us snogging for about an hour straight. I couldn’t crash at her place that night because she was staying with her sister and had to head to work immediately the next morning, but she invited me to come to her place in the next town over.

    Then about three days later, she pulled the whole ‘sorry, this isn’t gonna work out, I didn’t mean to lead you on’ crap.

    Other than that, closest I honestly came to losing my virginity was with a (MtF) trans lady who I met on Okcupid, who I sexted a lot with. She flaked on me shortly after we met and went full ghost afterwards.

    • flute@lemmynsfw.com
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      1 year ago

      In terms of escorts, I use Adult Work. You can put in a postcode and how many miles you are willing to travel, and there should be a list of escorts.

      If you want to avoid the dodgy escorts, I would say go for £150-£200 escorts (for 1 hour). Anything more is incredibly expensive and is either some weird financial domination fetish thing or just a straight up scam.

      Also - look for escorts that are heavily and highly rated. Especially those who are in the triple digits; they are very experienced. Do also check for recent reviews (like a few weeks ago). If it has been a few months, feel free to avoid.

      Make sure what the escort offers is what you’d be up for doing as well as making sure that the escort does not offer anything that you wouldn’t want (like bareback/unprotected sex).

      Once you think you are good, add the number to your phone and WhatsApp them (check to see if they do allow WhatsApp - some prefer a direct call for some reason, but w/e).


      Ah, it sounds like you’ve had some luck of your own! Well done you for getting a snog in! Most of my dates have been quite awkward.

      I wouldn’t worry about the other ladies that have either flaked or bailed. It honestly sounds like they don’t have their shit together, and that isn’t on you.