Obligatory “not a parent”, but my parents worked their butts off to make sure I turned out okay so I think I can contribute a little. I wouldn’t blame people for feeling like I was spoiled.

• I’ve been lucky enough to be in Massachusetts which is the home of the Aspergers / Autism Association.

• My parents took advantage of my early diagnosis to educate my teachers, at least in Elementary and early Middle School. A few teachers in particular became unofficial advocates for me, and they helped develop an IEP for me (Massachusetts has a SPED program that it actually funds).

• Practical things we did (that I can remember) outside of the IEP stuff mostly revolved around making sure I was “at my best”, my personal best, rather than outright forcing me to be someone I wasn’t. For instance:

• Make sure I drink enough water (Seriously dehydration + a 10 yo with autism not a good combo)

• Do a little meditation every day (it’s a workout for your frontal lobe! Great for learning to manage sensory problems without being an awful ABA thing)

• Incorporate “exposure therapy” into my day in little, low-pressure ways. For instance I was a very picky eater, my mom made a deal with me that I always had to try whatever was on her plate but I could always spit it out into a paper towel or something if I couldn’t deal with it.

• Literally had a period on some days in middle school (OK, this was an IEP thing but still) where the school stuck the antisocial kids in a room together to just hang out. There were three of us, the other two were almost certainly ND as well. We ended up being very good friends and I remained friends with one of them until the end of HS.

I guess my main point is that I believe I experienced a happy medium where my parents firmly made sure that I kept growing, but didn’t always force me into situations I hated. They respected my boundaries as much as they could while still pushing me to have a good life. I won’t claim that I was “fixed” but I went from a kid who bashed his head against concrete when he was upset and had mental breakdowns over someone breaking the rules in Monopoly to an adult who a lot of psychologists wouldn’t diagnose with autism (because they’re uninformed, not because I was cured). I’m still a barely functional adult, but I’d be an even less functional adult otherwise.

Autistic parent of an ADHD child here, hello! I believe that the kiddo’s diagnosis immensely helped her mother get one as well. Stuff like that takes a while to sink in, but IMO, it’s very liberating when you get to see a professional about your struggles & go, “oh, THAT’S what this is!” I also believe that my own diagnosis helped our child.

I actually wasn’t diagnosed until I was already well into my 20’s & from that POV, I couldn’t be happier that offspring was diagnosed early. It’s not all roses for her either, of course, but the constant blaming (self & otherwise) & crushing sense of isolation is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Ironically, due to my own upbringing, offspring’s executive dysfunction can sometimes be a little challenging for me. Having been seen as dumb & lazy haunts me every day, but I’m doing my best. Our relationship is wonderful & we often laugh at neurodivergent memes together.

It’s funny too, because offspring has been suspected of being on the spectrum, while I’ve been suspected of having an attention disorder. Unfortunately though, the quality of my care is currently such that it’s impossible to be probing further.

Has finding out their diagnosis also led to you or their other parent to a late diagnosis?

I’ve gone the other way around.

Having gotten my ADHD diagnosis at 39, it’s made me 90% certain that the struggles my kid had throughout school were as a result of undiagnosed ADHD. He’s pretty sure that’s the case too, but unfortunately he’s now 19, so on the adult waiting list which may be a few years long at this point.

He’s just finished the first year of a law degree though, so I guess he’s managing to deal with it pretty well.

With regards to resources; a hearty second here for How To ADHD. It’s a great channel, with some really helpful information.

Yeah, high-functioning ASD.

If I were to give advice, the first three tips would be:

-Trust what your child is telling you, over what common sense is telling you.

-Never hesitate with getting a skilled psychiatrist involved if there are any issues with school, medical issues, eating, etc. Because their standard playbook is usually insufficient and by the time they manage to dial in to your child enough to help, a long time may have passed.

-If someone tries to tell you how to “cure” the child, hit them in the face with a pickaxe.

I’m the father of a son with Asperger’s/High Functioning Autism. (He was diagnosed just before Asperger’s was folded into Autism in general.) As I was reading up on Autism to see what my son was going through, I realized something weird. All these books on Autism were talking about me.

Now, once always known I was different, but I chalked this up to “stunted social growth due to excessive bullying in high school.” Of course, this didn’t explain why I did some things into my mid-30’s.

I came to the realization that I’m Autistic. It was a tough realization to come to. My entire sense of self felt like it was destroyed. Everything I thought I knew about myself was wrong and I needed to rebuild my sense of self from scratch. Once I got over the shock, though, everything about my life made a lot more sense.

I never got a diagnosis, though, for various reasons. It would cost money when money was tight. It wouldn’t have helped my son and I also had (unknowingly) developed coping mechanisms. So I’m undiagnosed, but 100% positive that I’m ND.

I’m not a parent, however, my #1 recommendation for parents is: if the child is autistic, DO NOT listen to the many people who will push ABA (applied behavioral analysis) “therapy” on you. The organizations that push it are very good at making their bullshit look legitimate enough to get pushed by other organizations, including schools, but ABA was invented by the same person who invented gay conversion “therapy”, and adult autistic folks who were subjected to it as children overwhelmingly regard it as abuse.

That aside, it’s apparently really common for a child’s diagnosis to lead to a parent’s diagnosis too lol. Especially for parents who don’t fit the incredibly specific stereotypes.

For ADHD, I would like to recommend the youtube channel How to ADHD. I don’t always agree with it on all points (for example, I think it presents the differences between ADHD subtypes in too gendered of a way), but overall it’s a well-researched resource that is good at presenting information in an easily digestible way, and because it’s run by a woman with ADHD it avoids most of the issues that are common with resources run by neurotypical doctors and similar.