Hi everyone, first post on here. This will be a bit of a ramble, sorry in advance.

I’m dealing with some inner turmoil, as do most people. As I age it gets worse and I know I’m not alone in this, but I don’t have anybody in my inner circle who understands, while they might be sympathetic.

I struggle with feeling like I’m my authentic self. I feel like I’m in the wrong body and have been all my life. I don’t hate it though, I just deal with it, mostly through just ignoring its existence and accepting that it at least lets me do things. I’m quite capable. But I also just don’t feel… right. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I used to hate it, now I just feel apathy.

I dress like the gender people perceive me as, to make life easier for myself. At work, we use uniforms, which some days helps and others make it worse.

I worry about expressing myself both in terms of dialogue and clothing options as I live in Tory country and my spouse and other dear queer friends have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for not “toeing the line”. My partner expresses themselves so minimally, yet sooo flamboyantly if you ask the general public?

In our local community, we get “away” with more as we are part of the artist and musician community, but why should that have to matter?

It’s fucked up.

I struggle with mental health issues and have my entire life. I usually tell myself that’s what’s causing the incongruity, or discrepancy, between what society perceives me as and what I perceive me as. I’m not sure that’s true anymore… But I’m scared. Part of me likes hiding. Part of me is tired of not sticking up for myself more.

Mostly I’m just tired.

  • Wahots@pawb.social
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    1 year ago

    I understand where you’re at, as I went though a painful coming out experience on the sexuality side. Going to a LGBT counselor seriously helped me live a better and more open minded life. I feel a lot less stressed, and realized that nobody cares who I date or what I do. Now, I do what I want and feel much happier. And I feel less judgemental of other people, which is something I’ve needed to work on for awhile.

    Seriously, they can help, especially if you feel bitter or in a mindset you can’t escape without someone’s advice.

    • nanometre@beehaw.orgOP
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      1 year ago

      I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, it’s my gender/gender roles/gender expression that I get stuck on - but there must be a counselor who deals with that as well. I just worry about any records of it as my country is very anti-transgender at the moment. Perhaps if it were a private one.

      Thank you for your input, I definitely have something to ponder there.