cross-posted from: https://lemmynsfw.com/post/178038
Hear me out. First, I know sex isn’t everything and I know that hooking up and getting laid isn’t going to solve deeper needs and insecurities that I am working on.
That said, I’m also getting out of a long and bad relationship that has left me feeling like I missed so many experiences and opportunities in what ultimately were the final years of my 20s.
I never really properly figured out dating or hooking up. Even though it’s not literally true, I feel like the only person I’ve been with is someone where we skipped straight to “serious long term relationship” which not only contributed to why we didn’t work out, but also kind of stunted my development when it comes to romance and sex.
So now I’m trying to take a step back and just kind of loosen up and have fun in a way I feel I never have before. I do want to develop real connections and long term relationships, but I also want a bit of time away from that first.
Only problem is, I have no clue how and I do feel just a bit old for it. I’m on Tinder and frankly it just feels like nobody is interested.
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I did a very similar thing for very similar reasons at a very similar age. It was hard for sure to break the cycle of dating -> breakup -> dating again.
My best advice is genuinely that I had no fun on Tinder etc. Everything clicked when I stopped looking for people and started just going out with friends: scrubbed up and put together, available but not pursuing particularly, generally talkable to without being a creep.
You are right that hooking up and getting laid won’t solve your needs, but it is fun. I say get some therapy (always helps me massively) and be chill. Paradoxically that approach of not looking and not caring gave more success than anything else for me.
The other thing is to let go of that “I really like this person and need to solidify this connection into a long term relationship” instinct. You can feel that love and care and respect whilst keeping things relatively casual. Even on a one-night thing, it can be nice to do some slightly date-y things but with no expectation of it being more. Like going to get coffee or brunch the next morning.
Finally also if you’re into kink, munches and events can give a really good place to make friends and explore that particular world.
Good luck :)
Lower your standards. If that doesn’t work, lower them further.
I feel like I don’t really have any right now (hence slut phase) but my problem is more that I don’t know how to meet anyone I guess.
Do you have any kinks? Joining a sex positive community where people regularly meet in real life (like a munch) goes a long way. I’ve fucked more girls after joining the BDSM community with my wife than before I got married.
Mind you, you can’t go in there with the expectation of sex. You still have to actually get to know people and make friends and such.
Ever go to any conventions or festivals? Plenty of casual hookups happen there.
The hippie/burner festivals where you’re camping out are great. They’re often clothing-optional, sex-positive, and kink-friendly (if you’re into that).
Are these festivals just a US thing? I would love to go on a hippie festival in germany
Found this one. Likely more to be found, it’s definitely ot exclusive to the U.S.
Idk if you know this but the tinder premium subscription (I think it’s called tinder gold or something like that) MASSIVELY boosts how many feeds your profile shows up in and will automatically move you to the top of the feed for other people so if you are planning to use tinder primarily it is worth the money.
I’ve been using it for the past week and it has helped, but only a little. Freaking expensive too.
Yeah it’s not cheap but If you think that one month of tinder is the same cost as one night of going out to bars I think it pays for itself. I was getting 2 or 3 dates a week off tinder (We live in a mid size city) and was getting maybe one every two weeks just going out with my friends.
If stereotypes are to be believed at all then try Grindr. All the horniness of men on dating apps but it is self feeding.
This might be a stupid question but like … I’m looking for women and I’m not going to find them on Grindr right?
Grindr works for my slutty ass. But it’s just men. I wish there was a similar app that had all genders (I’m pan). I am close to the same age (38), too.
I could be wrong but I have a feeling if I was going for dudes I’d be doing just fine haha.
IDK. I can’t get dudes on Tinder either. But I’ve never not gotten some action on Grindr. Maybe Grindr dudes aren’t as picky 🤷🏻♂️
Dating apps are a waste of time and self-esteem (at least for me). Put some nice clothes and cologne on, head to a bar and try your luck there!
