I stopped going to any supports i had for 4 years at the moment cause i felt like i couldn’t communicate what I want because if i say i don’t know how to do some basic life skills they put me in a group with non functional people who basically have to be babied 24/7 which makes me feel too stupid for help.

Or that I sit down twiddling my thumbs the whole day cause I’m too afraid to ask if I should be doing anything at all cause I assume everything I do is wrong even if I know that’s bull.

I have severe trust issues (especially with myself) so I always expect the worse in everyone which is also fuelled by a lot of “normal” or “happy” thing bringing back traumatic memories so it feels like I can’t live in the happy society they have.

That I can disappear easily without a care from anybody makes me feel like there’s no hope for me to improve and have a basic and normal life, that all I can be is a hollow husk who is technically alive cause I sleep, consume and poop but that all I do until nobody provides me the bare minimum.

Edit I wanted to also add I’ve been misdiagnosed as autistic but I did the test when I was suicidal (tell me if i should edit that out cause of rule 4) at the time so I half assed it but nobody listens or cares.

Also elight comment reminded me of being medically abused by HeadSpace where they were giving me a different antidepressant every week so I’m sure they weren’t working as intended and i don’t think that works for trauma but i was forced to take them cause they threaten me with ECT Electro shock therapy which terrified me and made me afraid of meds unless I’m in extreme pain and that more me running from the pain overpowering my fear of med and psychiatrist

  • intensely_human@lemm.ee
    2·
    1 year ago

    That is wise. Despite how horrible it sounds, the mechanisms of society aren’t available to those with their backs against the wall.

    You’ll need to climb into higher status levels of society before you can effectively carry out things like that.

    First you gotta get yourself secure, then you can go out and start righting injustices.

    As for the conundrum of whether anything would be done, I’ve found a lot of motivation and meaning in life from considering such things from the perspective of assuaging my conscience, rather than based on expected outcome.

    They say the naive trust blindly, the cynical do not trust, and the wise choose to trust despite knowing it might not work out. If it’s been nagging at you for years, you will probably benefit from the attempt.

    Obviously, get yourself as stable as possible. Maybe even share your plan with another licensed psychologist, so that if they try to muscle you based on the provider/patient status division, you have someone of equal stature to counter them.

    Or a lawyer. Heck most lawyers will give a free consult and you could probably get a reasonable answer to “How can I do this and make sure I’m safe?” in 5-10 minutes.

    The lawyer will probably say “If you want to be safe don’t do it” but you can say “It’s important to me that I do this” and once they understand your goal is not just safety they’ll help.