After my last break up I can’t seem to get out from this depression relapse…
I reduced media use drastically, like almost to zero, I am swimming 3-4 times a week, doing yoga 1-2 times a week, going to work every morning with my bike, doing only cold showers, being in the sun, being in nature, playing my guitar, being around people as much as I can, being around my little dog and my cats, eating super super healthy, not doing any drug, not drinking, not smoking, reading self help books…
I’m doing everything, everything that can possibly be done without meds probably, but my mind feels so down and so “lazy”, last night I was sleeping on the ground because I had scabies and got cured, I had my bed changed and didn’t want to sleep in my bed without having a shower first, but it felt too hard to have a shower…
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks because it feels so hard to change myself and to wash them.
Even tho I’m really putting effort into all this stuff, I feel like I have zero energy and my mood is like 90% of the times terrible, and 8% of the times acceptable and 2% kinda OK(?)
I’m used to most of the stuff I said in the beginning, it’s just what I do in my life is most of the time, except I would increase media consumption from times to times. How the hell can I be depressed?
I feel like this time I’m doing everything right, and in fact at least I don’t feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past… But you know, it feels like great effort isn’t really paying back…
I feel like I’m pushing and pushing and pushing but I don’t get anything back, if I miss the pool one time, it’s just a mood drop…
I feel super weak, I also have some bad “blood sugar drops”, or at least that’s what my family says, and I’m also considering I might be having some deficiency or nutrition related issue at this point.
My therapist is insisting like a lot to put me on antidepressants, but they made me feel terrible in the past. Microdosing is the only thing that worked decently but I got tinnitus from it (which now is gone), but my therapist doesn’t even want to consider it, and I felt actually good last summer and at the beginning of my relationship without any drug at all, which made me think I finally won, but I didn’t.
No substance come without a price to pay and I don’t want to feel so bad again with antidepressants.
What to do?
Thank you so much for sharing, so what’s a mood stabilizer? Is it like lithium? Or something less potent?
My therapist also says I have really big spikes both up and down, so that could be more suitable maybe…
I just can’t trust a psychiatrist that simply doesn’t know me and cannot trust pharmaceutical industries as well… Also I’m scared as hell for possible side effects since I already have very mild tinnitus which I don’t want to make any worse, and long term side effects scare the hell out of me even more. I’m also scared as fuck to lose my libido. I spent years and years in holding myself back and never actually enjoying sex until a few months ago… Since relationships were always too painful and I resorted to porn most of the times, which killed my libido and my sex drive towards real partners as well… When you have PTSD you kinda have few choices: live with your pain, find ways to continuously vent out your stress or numb yourself out, I numbed myself for years and only lately I’m trying to live with my pain and venting the stress with sport, which is terrible but also gave me back some joy as well, and the sport part is amazing both for my body and for my general wellbeing…
I kinda feel trapped in this situation… My therapist also said we would be able to work better on the trauma once I start taking a medicine…