Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…

Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?

Thank you.

  • Mighty@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    2·
    2 months ago

    Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate them.

    I think I handled the invites okay. I did remind people. I did so several “waves” of invites depending on the closeness of the people.

    My birthday isn’t important to me. That’s why I never celebrated. I wanted to celebrate my 40th because I feared that being by myself would be too painful with the big number. But this ended up being much worse.

    I don’t think that I don’t understand why people haven’t come. Most have told me reasons and I can relate to lots of them. I still don’t know how to handle it. How to tell people that it was important to me without antagonising them. I know I can’t pretend like it’s no big deal and I’m really scared of all the questions of “how was your party?” I can’t lie. But if I tell people it was the worst day in a long time, I don’t think that comes across in any helpful way …