Maybe it started out because when I was little I was a bit above average, always being used to spot #1 really eroded my sense of modesty.

Now my grades are really down and with that I’m giving myself yet another cigarette to deaden my mind, I’m starting to antagonize even the bois in class that cheered me up - just because their grades are nigh impeccable while seemingly only I suffer from ‘blunders’, somethimes I become exceptionally petty and secretly wish they too would do a fuck-up once.

For a place in uni later on I don’t actually have to stress myself too much, but seeing my grades less than that of younger classmates gives me anything but peace at mind. And the night before I prepared myself up until 2 a.m…

I always appear to have less friends, my hobbies are obscure, things I can say to hold a conversation is getting… fewer by the day, I don’t know any memes anymore, my interests are too esoteric, I have nothing much going on. The only thing I could only boast about these days, my limited language capabilities, is now also aggrevating my inferiority complex - I met a foreigner that is so keen on my language he is starting to ask me questions I can’t even answer because I had not even known about such grammar/words. He’s 13. I’m legally a man now.

So what do I have bois, save a muddled mess of half-cockedness, inextricable tangles of social life and everpresent thoughtlessness in every aspect

I’m aware of my case. The mates I have, my family, they all console me, told me not to give a damn, I know it only worsens my case but the sentiment kicks in almost instinctlively, I don’t want to wish harm upon anymone, I don’t want to further terrorize my already sickly mental health. It feels so hard to accept that one can’t win against someone at times, at least for me

Tears are gushing out of my eyes at the moment I write this sentence, can I even help my miserable self at this point

Sorry if I’m on the wrong forum again mates, I just don’t want to burden known associates about this

  • freagle@lemmygrad.ml
    6·
    2 years ago

    Listen, mate. I don’t know you from a hole in the ground. But reading your post, I can tell you’re dope as fuck, and I’ve been around a while. I think I know what’s going on with you. You’re on your way somewhere new. You’re done with the old life, the old world, the old way of living. That’s schoolboy shit. But you don’t have the new thing yet. In essence, you’re moving on but you’re experiencing the separation and it hurts. You’re trying to make sense of it so you think it’s an inferiority complex. It’s not. It’s genuine anger at the past. The past sucked. They lied to you. They managed you. They made you believe falsehoods before you knew better. And now? You’re a man now. And you’re on your way. You don’t know where that is, but you got bois here waiting for your ass to hurry up and get here already. Leave that shit behind. It’s the old way. It’s the kid’s life. The new life is bigger, it’s meaner, it’s harder, and it’s way more complex and interesting and rewarding than that sugar coated candy land. You don’t need to beat anyone. You need to leave them in your dust, looking down the road wondering where you’re off to now. But you’re gone man. You just don’t know where you’re gonna land yet. And that’s alright. You’ll have bois where ever you do land. And they’ll be the kind of bois who know what you’re on about, they’ll know what matters, and you won’t even remember this moment.

    Except maybe the day you read this comment.