All I do is think. I spend the majority of my time alone so i’m constantly alone with my thoughts. The distractions aren’t working anymore. It’s maddening. I think about my life as it exists, my life as I wish it existed, my fears, my hopes, and anything else you could possibly conceive. I have OCD so a lot of my thoughts revolve around sexuality, identity, and more existential concepts. If you have OCD you probably understand at least some of what i’m talking about. I just want it to stop. I can’t focus on anything, even videogames which I very much enjoyed. I just sit and rot. Don’t even get me started on the compulsive porn binging and jerk sessions. I really don’t know what to do. In case anyone is worried I’m not in any danger. I just can’t keep this to myself anymore. I wish I could just shut my brain off and take a long needed rest.
It sounds like you’re describing the restlessness from lack of purpose or direction in life.
This sounds like a great start for purpose and direction! It sounds like you have a vision of what you wish your life was like. How are you doing with your planning and execution on making your life go that direction? That’s purpose. That’s direction. For me, it quiets the restlessness. If I make progress that day on my plan or execution, when I lay my head on the pillow at night I know for sure if I’ve taken a step toward where I want to go. For me this has been a tremendous source of comfort.
I’ve experience this too in the past. Those things aren’t satisfying because they are just distractions, and I have an awareness they don’t change anything for me positively. I feel like I haven’t earned that relaxation at that time, because I’m ignoring what I should be doing productively instead. This isn’t to say that all distractions are bad, but only engaging in distractions, when you have something you want/need to accomplish, is bad. Relaxation is the reward for effort expended.
Have you ever completed a project or met a personal goal and had that restlessness go quiet, even for a short time?
Actually yes. When I was diagnosed with OCD, I made lots of life changes. I got on medication and was attending therapy regularly. I confessed things to my therapist that I thought I’d take to the grave which really helped. Things were going good until I had a falling out with a friend who treated me like shit. Then there was another friendship that I fucked up. I could have avoided both situations entirely but hindsight is always 20/20. That in combination with some other things sent me into an even deeper depression than before. I pretty much reverted to my old ways. I’m still on medication but it doesn’t help like it used to.
Still, I remember what it was like to be in relatively good spirits. I miss it so much. I wish I could be that version of me again. I liked him (mostly). I wasn’t scared like I am now. I had a positive outlook.