today was supposed to be my first day of therapy and the therapist didn’t show up. I’m pissed off. I wasted 2 hours for nothing.
I’ve sent her a polite message, asking if she’s sick and hoping she is well, but in reality I wanted to yell at her. However, if I yell at her, chances are she won’t treat me.
Before you suggest to find another therapist, finding a shrink where I live is very difficult and the other ones I contacted have either ignored me or are overbooked. I need therapy and it bothers me to be so dependent on one person.
For those of you who have experienced something similar, how doesn’t it bother you?
In this situation you need to remember life happens. She is a human with a complex life too. Your immediate response to get this angry is slightly alarming and something you should bring up to her because you need to work on it.
Also don’t think of this as wasted therapy, you did do therapy just not in the way you think. You were put into a situation that heightened your emotions and you now need to control those emotions and face them. That’s therapy.
Your immediate response to get this angry is slightly alarming
He should probably see a therapist
Shit, therapy happened even when therapist wasn’t present. That will be 100$.
Jokes aside, a great way to think about things, really.
It’s not developing a thick skin, it’s developing compassion.
Never attribute to malice what can be reasonably explained by incompetence or stupidity. Similarly that which can be explained by happenstance.
Don’t be a doormat obviously but assume they had a reason and be as gracious as possible in excusing their faults.
If anything what you need is to be more emotionally available not less. Empathy serves you far better than rage.
If she gives you a reason and an apology, she’s a therapist worth seeing.
If she gives you an excuse or tries to pretend it didn’t happen, you can do much better.
Never settle for someone who is just tolerating you, especially for therapy.
If she says anything at all about why she had to miss the appointment she’s offering more about her personal life than she needs to. As a patient, and especially the first time seeing someone, there is absolutely no reason to expect to know why they couldn’t make your appointment. They are not your contractor, and in reality they are not your friend. They provide a professional service and if they miss your appointment, immediately jumping to the conclusion they did it with any kind of intention against you is pretty hasty reasoning.
Whatever the situation is, the therapist is a person too. They have their own life, their own issues, things that they are allowed to keep private. Don’t expect them to open about anything because a good therapist won’t.
If she’s a good therapist she’ll be feeling awful she couldn’t make it. I’d wait to hear her out before making any judgement on either her no-show or her as a therapist/person. It’s highly unlikely to be a personal slight, whatever it is, and if it’s not personal then there’s no need to develop a thick skin.
It does bother me, but its also something I cannot control. I try to remind myself in situations like that, that I am only responsible for my own experience.
I cant control other people, but I can decide how I want to intemperate what has happened. I could choose to be mad, or hurt, or inconvenienced. Or, I can choose to pause, focus on my breathing, be mindful of myself and where I am putting my emotional energy.
Being angry, and hurt is easy start but actually requires lots of energy to maintain. I dont really want to spend all my time and energy on things that are now in the past and I cannot change, so I try to change what IS in my control, and if I can I try to support the people I depend on so they can be there when I need them.
it all sounds very woowoo and when your mad probably impossible, but like everything it requires practice. Start by stepping back, closing your eyes, breathing in and out slowly, then after like 15-30 seconds when you can engage your rational brain talk yourself through it. What could I have done differently, if it was not in my control then why am I choosing to intemperate it as malice or inconvenience? Can I or should I do anything different next time?
Do something like this any time your feeling this way and it will become a tool that you can start to depend on, and something you do control!
I would only add to do this also when you are not feeling this way. In my experience it’s very hard to make this happen if I only try to roll it out when I’m already feeling mad. Doing some daily meditation for 10-15 minutes is the only way I’ve had any success being able to engage that when I really need it. Also it’s nice to be able to step back and recognize good emotions / reactions.
Frustration is usually the difference between what we expected or wanted and what we got. Patience is learning to let go of what we expected and accept what is.
If you can stop seeing this as something wasted and start seeing it as just a different circumstance, it may help you get past your emotions and start focusing on what to do next.
There are many options between merely being polite and yelling. Maybe therapy can help you explore those.
I wanted to yell at her
Was that the first thing that you thought of?
Plenty of mental health issues present with anger as an initial response to perceived negative situations. Maybe that’s why op is seeking help.
That is exactly why I’m asking. Years ago I had problems with anger. Luckily going to university helped with that. Don’t know how but it helped me.
For ppl reading the comments.
I personally don’t believe that therapy works, maybe just a bit. And I’d like to know why/how it can actually help? side note: I was raised in an area where if you have a problem: deal with it. And I can’t understand how does talking to someone WHO YOU PAY TO TALK TO YOU can help in any way. I’d expacially feel bad sharing secrets with a friend-for-hire.
I personally don’t believe that therapy works
You’re wrong, then. It doesn’t necessarily work drastically and for every single person in need of help. However, claiming it does not work period is just wrong.
A good therapist knows how to understand you and your problems and can help you understand them and yourself better. They can help you unwind the mental effects of traumatic events. It’s a lot more than just you venting to them, they actively challenge your perceptions and help undo the mental knots you’ve tied yourself in. Or at least, that’s what I’ve gotten out of it with my therapist. It’s not sharing secrets with a friend for hire, it’s like calling a mechanic and having them listen to the car running to figure out what’s wrong with it. They’re on the phone so they can’t fix it, but they can work with you to figure out what’s wrong and how you can wither fix it yourslef or work around it. As for your side note, that’s really condescending and rude honestly.
“Mechanic on the phone” is a fantastic analogy. Therapists don’t fix you, they teach you skills to fix yourself. Gross oversimplification but that’s the gist of it.
sounds very niche, but makes sense if your in that niche. Like if my leg hurts I go to the doctor, but if I’m unmotivated I go to a therapist.? But if I have something severe like a broken bone I also go to the doctor (well ER, but you get it), while if I have depression I go to a therapist. But it’s not like depression is easy to fix. Most of the time it’s not “my friends all have gfs while I don’t”, but more “My dad beats and yells at me”. How can talking solve that? Does it help with coping?
I’m sorry if my comment is offensive, but I also have no idea what therapists do, so…
In your example, when you move out of your parents house so your dad can’t beat you anymore, the beatings might stop but the mental effect they’ve had on you remains. Those effects will, given time, cause other problems. Not guaranteed ofc, everyone’s situation is different, but it’s often the case. You need to deal with the effects to prevent them causing other problems. This can be a challenge if you don’t even realize they’re there, or don’t think of them as problems, or avoid dealing with them because you hate them.
I’ll use my life as a practical example. I was severely bullied early on in school. I essentially withdrew socially entirely, to avoid as much of it as possible. Depression set in, but at the time it was almost a blessing, because feeling nothing was better than dealing with it all. Fast forward to college–things are much better, I had friends, but I’m still dealing with a lot of self hatred, because you don’t spend 7 years of people hating you and come out the other side with a positive self image. Still depressed, still having suicidal thoughts. Just now, for the first time, I had social connections, and so a lot of anxiety about not screwing it up. Dated someone, who ended up falling in love with her idealized fantasy of me, not actually me, while I’m struggling to feel anything through the depression. We have an ugly split, and I come away blaming myself for not being that idealized fantasy, hating myself for hurting her and not being able to feel. My self image got worse. That made me extremely uncomfortable with relationships and romance in general, but I didn’t realize until I was asked out by a friend. She thought I was interested in her, and that caused me a lot of anxiety and self hatred for not being able to, guilt over making her think I was. There’s now so much self hatred, guilt, and negativity associated with dating and romance that I had to suppress any thoughts about it honestly. Fast forward to a year or so ago, I can’t handle thinking about being in a relationship let alone go dating. I moved to a new city for a job right after graduation just before the pandemic hit, so I didn’t have any friends in the area when we started lockdown and working from home full time. Even more socially isolated than when I withdrew completely all those years ago in school. When things started opening up again, not only did I not have any friends nearby to do anything with, but the old anxiety about being social in person from the start of college was back. You see how all the issues compound on one another? Talking with my therapist helped me understand all of this. She made me reconsider all of those events, helped me peel away the layers of guilt and self hatred that wrapped them to see the reality of those situations, rather than the distorted versions that I was beating myself with. On my own, I had learned coping mechanisms, ways of thinking and acting to let me function around my problems, but I didn’t even realize that they were fixable problems instead of just the natural way I was until I started therapy. I’m also on antidepressants, but it’s like… imagine the central heating in your house breaks. Your immediate problem is the cold, not the broken heater. You might have coping mechanisms, like bundling up and using more blankets and drinking hot drinks, you might start antidepressants, in this analogy plugging in a space heater or two, but the real long term solution is therapy to fix your central heating.
Your comment in general wasn’t offensive, just that one side note. Depression and mental illness can happen to anyone, it’s not something that happens to you because you’re not strong enough to resist it. You can’t avoid or stop being depressed through force of will.
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Alright, I think I get it now. Thanks. I didn’t really consider the long term consequences. As it’s still alien for me, but reading your story I’m thankful.
I remember being bullied in 1st grade as well. But I also remember that after a while I just didn’t care what they were saying, and they stopped. I guess I wasn’t fun to mess with anymore. This led to me joining the “cool kids”. And in my social circle we also know that bullying is bad, but I also see the side where kids who get bullied did something to get bullied. In elementary I remeber two kids, who we hated.
With person A; I was very good friends with A. Soon I learned that I was his only friend. But the extrovert I am, I tryied meeting new ppl from class. (This was like 2nd grade, idk why I remember this well). And this mf started acting out. I remember clearly that he dragged me out of a circle where I was talking, led me to the other side of the classroom. And had nothing to say, just wanted us to be alone. I honestly just told him that it was wierd and went back. Instead of joining in the circle or just talking to me when I’m not with other ppl, he dragged me away again. To say nothing, he did this like every day. It’s not like I ditched him, we were still playing and talking almost the same, he just didn’t let me talk to any other kids. When I did anyways he got upset. After like a half or full year of this it started getting really annoying, and I started telling him strongly to stop. He didn’t. So he became disliked and bullied. Even now I have no idea what his deal was, even if he’s gay, this ain’t the way. And just to note, we were good friends, went to each others’ place almost every week. I’m really sorry for him.
Person B; 5th grade. The same friendship story, but with my friend. B and by friend went way back. But when B joined our group of friends, he wanted to impress everyone. But he really didn’t have anything to stand out. We kinda liked the guy, so it wasn’t like he needed to be special, but he wanted to be anyways. This led him to lie. He lied about everything, what games he playes, what cool things he owns, what skills he can do. And it always cought up with him. For a solid year we were telling him to just stop lying about everything, and asked why he was doing it. That got nowhere, “I’m not” was the answer. And he kept lying about everything. We couldn’t trust him at all, with anything. So we stopped talking with him. Made fun of him when his lies was so obvious it was embarassing. Still didn’t stop. He got bullied too.
These are my bullying stories, from the other side. Thankfully at highschool we ain’t bullying noone. Someone still left school because of it tho. Different story, 99% sure she was schizo.
If I were more educated or know what I know today. I might have guessed something like A is just gay. Or B has attension problems. But it’s not like you can teach these concepts to a group of 2nd and 5th graders. Or expect them to know for that matter. So while I understand what you’re saying. Thank you again for the stories. It’s very alien to me, and I’d wanted to share why. I hope you’re doing OK, and I also hope the mentioned ppl are doing fine too. I’d just like to note again, that I liked both kids, they did something that they shouldn’t have. For a long period of time. Didn’t stop when warned. And I lost friendships.
It seems you have missed the point of being in therapy. They’re not a friend, they are a guide for you to use to better understand yourself. Therapy is meant to explore parts of yourself that you want to work on or that need to be addressed (such as self harm).
Some people find it difficult to think about themselves and having someone to listen to those people’s explanation of their week might just shed some light for that person on why they feel a certain way about the things which happen around them.
It’s also something that you must actually commit to. Going to therapy and either lying constantly or being very tight lipped about things because you feel like you are being teated/judged/analysed are not going to yield any real results compared to someone who is as open as they can possibly be about themselves.
I might be missing the point, yeah. I don’t know anyone who might be struggling with depression thankfully. But in return I have no idea how ppl cure it. I heard stories about extreamly bad scenarios ppl are stuck in. And I honestly have no idea what to do in their boots. But it’s also not like talking can solve parental abuse and or drinking parents (the particular story I heard).
It heavily depends on the reason for being in therapy, but a lot of times what people do get out of it is a different perspective on themselves and the world around them. It’s not a cure, it’s a series of plans/strategies to handle those feelings in non-destructive ways. It’s about understanding where their issue stems from, sometimes it’s just an imbalance of brain juices, sometimes it’s something to do with their past or upbringing, or education. If it’s the second one, therapy can help those people explore those parts of their past to understand the reasons why they are feeling the things they are feeling and how to mitigate or better handle those feelings.
Others have explained it fairly well too, I think you’ve got a decent enough handle on why therapists are a thing.
Therapy works. The problem is that most therapists don’t.
Most mental healthcare education does not train therapists for modern problems or solutions, which is compounded by the fact that most therapists cannot relate to the socioeconomic situations of the people who need it most. Finding a worthwhile therapist who can actually help with more than just basic anxiety is a needle-in-a-haystack and I’d wager a good 9/10 shrinks do not serve their patients properly.
Damaging thought patterns are just a part of the problem for many people. Those thought patterns are part and parcel of the landscape of personal relationships you have in your life, and talking to someone outside of that paradigm can give you the opportunity to think differently.
A decent therapist is going to come to the table with tools and skills to share, because they have training and experience. They’re not (hopefully) just some random “other person.” They’ll also be better equipped to recognize the symptoms of specific clinical health conditions, and address those conditions accordingly, whether that means adjusting what kinds of coping skills they recommend to you, or referring you to a psychiatrist for appropriate medication to be used alongside therapy.
I was raised in an area where if you have a problem: deal with it.
“Deal with it.” Okay, how? If you don’t know how, and you get stuck in a feedback loop, a therapist can help you break out of that loop. Could you perhaps do that on your own? Maybe, and if you can, it may take longer and be much more difficult. There is no shame in getting guidance through the difficult parts of life from people who have expertise in providing such guidance.
Well the idea is that you’re paying for someone who is both qualified in dealing with mental health issues, and is completely unattached to your life to provide a confidential, non-judgmemtal outsider perspective on your life.
The people who know you almost certainly can’t provide that level of support in your life, and many people need that space/perspective to help them recognise their issues, or push them towards the correct solution to resolving them.
It’s not everybody’s cup of tea, it ain’t mine, but for those it does work for, it works well
Therapy works, as long as you go for an evidence-based practice. It’s not so much about talking solving your problems but it’s more the therapist giving you tools to help yourself tailored to your situation and brain. They give you an unbiased view to help you understand both the nature of the situations you find yourself in and your own reaction to it. They’re also explicitly not a friend, and serve a different purpose. I was also very skeptical for a long time, but when you find a therapist who you click with it can help straighten out your thoughts and give you a good perspective.
I highly recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. There are even workbooks that you can do on your own that teach you some of the skills, but talking to a real person about things specific to you can help a whole lot.
You are free to think as you wish. But other people find it helpful non the less.
