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Many of our cities in north america don’t have good access to third places anymore, due to both availability and cost.
I refuse to use online dating/friendship services so I struggle to meet friends and partners in the new citiy I moved to. Everyone at the local bar scenes is 15-30 years older than me, my outdoor local areas are homeless emcampments or riddled with needles and litter. I’ve met some people at my local climbing gym, but I find it difficult to get there between the cost of climbing and my physical labour job.
It almost feels like if you don’t make the plans online you don’t get to meet/hang out with people anymore and I’m not a huge fan of that.
Out of curiosity, why the refusal to use online dating?
Not OP, but the usual reply I see is, because dating companies are incentivized to keep you on their app, not get you a happy relationship, so you need to go through hundreds of dates and thousands of rejections, which can be mentally taxing.
I don’t have the energy to swipe new partners every week, I’m not a fan of hook up culture, anyone I’ve met on the apps keep using the apps while I see them. I’m not super big into social media and frequently don’t have service at work, I’ve had people on the apps complain 20+ minutes is unacceptable as a response time. I don’t take many pics of myself to make a good profile. Overall the experience is discouraging and stressful.
I have nothing to add, but OMG, it’s like I’m reading about myself, I’m 27 and I gave up on the entire dating apps thingy
anyone I’ve met on the apps keep using the apps while I see them
Especially this, although I never met them in person, I know they’re still talking to someone else, some even sent the wrong messages my way
I get that, in my experience it was just weeding through the bad ones. I had my fair share of un matches/ghosts/a holes.
I also hated taking pictures of myself and had a mediocre at best bio. What worked for me was not getting emotionally invested in the apps/matches.
The matches that i got and went out on a date or two with i was very up front that i was still using the app. It wasn’t until our 4th date that my partner and i deleted our apps.
Anywho, just wanted to share some hopefully positive advice. You will find the right one for you! Just have fun with it and try not to take it seriously
How am I supposed to get emotionally attached to someone when I’m having a borderline one-sided conversation. The People you meet on those apps are not interested in carrying the conversation and it’s just mentally exhausting.
They don’t provide any kind of hook that I can respond to.
My recommendation: don’t have (nor expect) conversations. I’ve been on many dates (high double digits, or more) and I have not once had someone I’ve met in person resemble what I would have guessed they were like from a dating profile, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Attitude, energy, chemistry, ambition, positivity, respect, confidence, grace, social skills, an attractive voice, etc – none of that is going to come across through text.
The goal should be meeting up in person and figuring it out on the fly. I usually send one message involving something along the lines of “hello <name>, hope you’re having a great week”, maybe add a detail about their profile that I found genuinely interesting, and then I immediately send a follow up message along the lines of “Text isn’t my forte, so I’d love to get together sometime this week and get to know each other over drinks – unless, of course, you love playing <app-name>-tag :) Shoot me your number and let’s make plans”
If my match isn’t comfortable with sharing their number, I propose we meet up for drinks and we can exchange numbers later. If my match objects to meeting so soon (this is maybe 1 in 30 matches or so) I tell them that I understand, but I also let them know (kindly and respectfully) that this probably tells me that we aren’t compatible, and then unmatch with them. Everyone else either has no qualms with my approach, or explicitly states that they really appreciated my forwardness.
Spare yourself and your matches the inherently boring small talk, and jump straight to meeting in person. Everyone wins.
Not OP but I hear so many stories of sexual harassment, of people insisting on having sex when you clearly state in your profile you are not looking for a hookup and calling you names when you do not give in, “sour grapes” treatment for rejection for any reason really (“I just messaged you out of pity!” stuff), of gay people getting messaged by straight ones thinking they can “turn” the gay person… as a woman lucky enough to have never experienced this kind of trash in my life, I am NOT willing to open the floodgates to harassment or this level of rudeness and experience it for the first time.
It helps that although it would be nice to have a partner, I know I could be happy and fulfilled without one, so I’ll never have a desperate need for a partner that pushes me to risk harassment and use an app.
I am in a happy relationship since before dating apps became popular, so I don’t have first-hand experience, but that would be my last choice for finding a partner. For me, meeting someone has always been a matter of circumstance. I never went anywhere with the idea of meeting friends or a partner, so somehow everything just happened by itself and I have a great partner and great friends. I would say you should just follow your interests and try to be happy with yourself, then the rest will come by itself (of course it’s easier if you go to a sports club instead of doing sports with your favorite youtuber or take a pottery class instead of reading a book at home if you have the vague goal of making new acquaintances). Plus openness, honesty and a bit of humor will get you further than any dating app, I’d say.
I feel like that great advice… for people who need it. Not sure if this reply is directed at me, but if it is I feel like you are replying as if I complained about not being able to meet people and desperately wanting a partner and need to hear the advice… my entire post was that I am eschewing dating apps because I hear how hellish they are and that I do not need one anyways because I’m already happy by myself and I’ll take a partner if one comes. I am not explicitly seeking, either, just not closed off to the option if it shows up.
If you are commenting for any onlookers instead, I totally get it. I’ve accidentally fallen into all my relationships too, by way of participating in activities that involve other humans (I personally pursue music—specifically making it with other people. Piano accompaniment is just more fun for me than playing solo), or meeting them through friends. I have never used a dating app for actually meeting anyone, although I did sign up for OKCupid as a 12-year-old just to take the personality quiz (with an obviously fake profile) so I can’t actually say “never used a dating app”.
Sorry, yes this was not specifically meant for you, English is not my first language and it is missing a word to adress unspecified persons, which I have in my language, so I had to use “you” instead.
“Speaking in general” would have worked, as would have just saying “people” or using generic nouns.
I have no idea how to make this come across in a helpful, informative tone but please know I mean it that way and not in an aggressive way.
Online dating is so shit for the majority of hetero dudes. You’re lucky if you match with somebody, luckier if you get to have some kind of discussion that doesn’t end after a few messages, even luckier if it ends in a date, amazingly lucky if anything physical happens, and incredibly lucky if it turns into a relationship.
Men are expected to initiate, keep the discussion alive, ask out, keep the woman entertained, and be grateful they were chosen. It only gets worse online.
this power imbalance is bad for everyone as well, if you meet up with someone via these (if are not male presenting), there is a concerningly high chance that you get sexually assaulted, I am terrified how common this seems to be among the women I’ve talked to
Male presenting? What does that mean?
I think they mean if you’re a woman (trans or cis), it can be terrifying to meet with people. At least that’s how I interpreted it.
Edit: Perhaps they are also talking about non-binary people, which is why they chose the words “not male presenting”.
Don’t forget rule #1: be attractive, or rule #2: don’t be unattractive
That’s how I found out I might be a little attractive. Lots of stories about apps being ghost towns and it being hard to talk to people. I didn’t struggle much to talk to people, went on dates and found my now fiancee that way.
You’re one of the lucky few. I bet online apps are great for attractive dudes with lots of great pictures lol.
Even then dating apps are terrible. You have to pay extra just to essentially get the basic service. The free stuff basically doesn’t do anything
Online dating is shit for everyone
-a trans lesbian
To be fair, real-life dating is also shit.
Thanks to Tinder I had the best and the worst first dates in my life.
But both long term girlfriends and soon-to-be-my-wife I met through friends
Happy for all four of you
people have no friends anymore
You don’t know me!
I do now! Hi friend!
And due to urban sprawl, everyone gets into their car in their garage, drives to work, then drives back to their garage. There’s no room for walking to the neighborhood pub, convenience store, pharmacy, etc and bumping into neighbors on the way.
This belongs in boringdystopia.
I’m sick and tired of being a single gay man
You could become several gay men
Friends 📉
Reopen The Fuckhouses Goddamnit
Makes sense. People are getting married later so they’re not in school or college anymore, and we have no friends
Congrats, you’re a millennial / gen Z 👍
I wonder how many met like me and my wife, smoking crack in the same trap house.
What is the definition of “online” for this chart? The first website wasn’t even up until 1991, so how can the line start at 1980?
Grandpa was trolling DARPAnet for skanks.
BBS’es and Fidonet through modem were there before the web.
Don’t think many found each other on BBS’s but at least they could download low res porn.
I’m curious if that included classified and dating messaging services. Aziz Ansari has a good book where he interviewed people who met using those services back in the day, and were embarrassed to tell people that’s how they met.
Phone dating?
DoD nerds be fuckin’.
In my experience, the deeper and more academic you get in the nerd forest, the freakier people get.
That’s interesting. I wonder whether those 6519 surveyed are representative of whole population, or of people who anyway online a lot. It’s seems there was an inflection around 2012 - what happened then ? The curve ends during covid lockdowns, wonder whether deflected since ?
There was an almost overnight shift from “ewww, online people are weird strangers” to “the Internet is just digital real life”. For years it was the first, and then as mainstream popularity hit, it was like a switch flipped and suddenly the Internet was “cool” and just like comics and superheros, everyone acted like they were a fan all along.
It was kinda jarring tbh. All the things that got you labeled a nerd and a geek(negatively) were suddenly good things. I think it mostly had to do with the tech surge and people seeing it as a valuable thing now.
My wife and I met through a dating site in 2011. She felt awkward about online dating, so we had a cover story for the first few years of our relationship until the stigma around not meeting “the natural way” died down.
“She was turning tricks on the street. I was one of her regulars. After awhile she said she didn’t want to charge me anymore, so here we are.”
Luckily, my wife and I met in high school, so she doesn’t have to rely on me for a cover story.
