Ready to kill myself.

I’m tired of struggling everyday for shit that doesn’t seem to matter in a world that is on fire with people who hate me.

Okay. So I’ve gotta find a feature recommendation thing. The ability to block certain words.

5 days ago I had no idea who the hell Linus was. Now my front page is filled with a bunch of random communities all talking about him.

This is fucking exhausting. I’m tired of the endless bickering over internet drama. Is this a problem? Yes. Should they be held responsible? Yes. Does every fucking community that is tangentially related need to be talking about it? No.

Oh that’s what everyone was talking about… Well, i’m glad that I’ve got my BeeHaw at least

Unfortunately I cannot afford it or leave the house to even buy it in the first place. Walking is essentially out. It feels like my foot is going to pop it’s so swollen.

Ready to jump off of a fucking cliff.

• Last week, Roommate loses extraordinary amount of money to a scammer. We ended up behind on rent and were served an eviction notice. Dealing with a rent bank now.

• Last week is also my 31st birthday and I end up having a gout flare up. Because you know. That’s fun. I usually have to walk with a cane because of a worthless knee but now I get to add a worthless foot on the other leg so yay.

• Couldn’t afford food or medication or really anything. Not as much of a problem at the moment but the stress still exists and having to plan for next month when the same situation is likely going to happen.

• This morning I got off the toilet and put pressure on the wrong part of my foot. Instant agony and I shift balance to the other foot but it’s not in a position to support my weight. Grab for something to steady myself and all I grab is the toilet seat which gets part of it ripped off of the toilet. So now I have to buy a fucking toilet seat as well. I am hobbling right now. It takes me 30 seconds to move to the bathroom which is next door to my bedroom. Normally that’s like… 3 seconds. So god knows when i’ll be able to go out and get a toilet seat. So that’s gonna end up with me positioned weirdly for the next week until this dies down.

• New chest pain that is not fun and god knows what the fuck is happening there but I can’t see a doctor about it anytime soon. It’s not 911 level of emergency. It’s more of a nagging thing that comes and goes and feels muscular but still.

• What is scary is heart has been doing a thing. Beating it’s own samba every now and again.

• I wrote myself into a corner with my DnD campaign and now I don’t know what the fuck to do. We have a session tonight which will be finishing up a oneshot from before but still. I don’t know what i’m gonna do and I can’t think straight.

Please someone put me out of my misery.

See this confuses the hell out of me. I’ve NEVER been prevented from using ChatGPT by a queue. It’s always saying that it’s a downside to not paying for it but seems like I just always choose the times that no one is using it.

I’m a DM using ChatGPT to help me build things for my DnD campaign/world and not telling my players. Does that count? I still do most of the heavy lifting but it’s nice to be able to brainstorm and get ideas bounced back. I don’t exactly have friends to do that with.

I’m not going to lie. I had the same issue with the klingons at first. Not over their appearance, funnily enough. I thought it was an interesting take and considering the fact that klingons in TOS just looked like dudes I waved away an alien race looking a bit different. The thing that enraged me was the language. Either the dude who played T’kuvma had no time to practice Klingon or he had a truly terrible false teeth set that made it impossible for him to speak Klingon.

I did completely discount Discovery until Season 2 started and I decided to give it another shot by starting from the top. I’m so very glad I did. I have critiques of all the shows, and I mean OG and Nu, but I still love them all the same. Me being a gay dude and finally getting proper representation in Star Trek does mean that Discovery did get into my good graces very quickly. It’s just nice to see a character that’s like me for a change instead of sitting through the 17 trillionth heterosexual love story.

shiny

The roads, the bridges, the healthcare system, the airports, the rail system, the ports, the housing system, the education system, people of color, any minorities, the electoral system, the unions, the job market, the credit rating, and any government department that isn’t military would disagree with that assessment. Only thing shiny in the US is the military and the police.

It just outright is a third would country and has the obsession with state sanctioned killing to prove it.

Honestly the constant bitching about ‘NuTrek’ is what makes me avoid Star Trek fans most of the time. I can rattle off episode names, quote the show, cite lines in episodes. Hell, I technically worked on a Trek show. Nothing makes me more embarassed than the incessant bitching and whining about how the new stuff isn’t canon or how it supposedly breaks canon or how the writing sucks. People who have legitimate criticisms, voice them as such, but are still polite or at least optimistic? You people are heroes. But the rest of you who just throw stuff at the show and say how it sucks? Fuck y’all. We are getting new Star Trek after the franchise being abandoned for years and your first reaction is to bitch and whine.

Hell yes it’s all canon. Hell yes the animation is amazing. I have a UFP flag on my wall and I’m proud of it.

I’ma be real, it’s a mixed bag. A lot of things have gone drastically wrong, even one going so far as to make me unable to walk. Yet I’ve had like two things that shocked me and made life slightly more tolerable.

Mostly I just want a hug. Was my birthday a couple days ago and I realized it’d been 13 years since I’ve had a hug. Broke me a little.

I’m a major Star Trek fan so for me it’s been that aliens would show up and we’d get our shit together.

Oh I know. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so depressing to bother to keep going. If those who are supposed to help and protect decide not to then whats the point?

Honestly I don’t care if I’m a good or a bad person anymore. I used to. I used to be good all the time for everyone but it got me nowhere. I know I’m a shitty person now but I don’t really care. No one cared about me before. Why would it matter if they suddenly cared now when they got their feelings hurt.

As for something left in the tank, nope. Tanks out of fuel. Car is running on either fumes or momentum and I won’t know until this downhill slope tapers off.

The world wouldn’t notice if I died. No, the world isn’t better with me here. Especially when I’m not a good person.

I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to ‘enjoy’ something. Don’t think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn’t care less what it is that I’m doing or watching. Only as long as it works.

As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won’t break. I don’t want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to have to find out that I’m strong. Why can’t I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it’s only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?

Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn’t living though. I’ve tried to end my own life and I’m too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.

I’ve been trying. For years. There isn’t any left. Sometimes I think I’m only alive because I’m hoping that Star Trek might come true spontaneously. That I’ll wake up one day in a world that has problems, but where the problems are solved collectively. That I’m not discarded and left to suffer and rot until I die.

When organized religion is on the right side of history and using the strength of a collective organization, still trying to influence people but in a good way, do you feel it’s acceptable?

No. This is very much just a religious version of a ‘good guy with a gun’ situation.

It isn’t.

If you weigh the good that organized religion provides compared to the bad it outputs then it’s not even a question. Note that I say organized religion. Individual religion is not a problem but the second that you’re actively trying to influence various people, or governments, around the world? Then you’re just a cult with a franchise. Not to mention the fact that if you’re using your religion as a guide as to how you should feel about people different than you? Well you’re probably a bad person.

As a gay dude I’ve only seen people use religion as a justification for their hate of me. I’ve seen church people change their minds when they found out I was gay and in need of help.

Well that’s gonna be a major yikes from me dawg. I knew it was bad when Reddit had to be shamed by CNN before they removed /r/jailbait. I knew it got worse during the 2016 election. But my god this is just fucking insane.