Woke up and realized I missed the most important part;

I already have longer hair than Steve 🙂‍↕️❤️

I truly have become the thing I swore to destroy. Thank you ❤️

I will have to look that one up then! Hopefully it can give me some of that ❤️

Reading through all the comments, and theyre all very beautiful and helpful. But yours made me tear up. Thank you ❤️

Im really gonna put in an effort. If I let all the smoke screens fade I know what I want. Theres so much clutter in my head telling me to stop, wait, be afraid, do this, explain that, etc etc.

When, it at really doesnt matter. Does it? I just have to put myself in front for once. If there were no walls I know what I would do. If there was no outside to confront or deal with I know I would have started HRT years ago. Maybe its time I actually let myself do that.

Maybe its time i put Nina in front instead of hiding behind the weird meatshield of a shell I figured I would need to catch all the shrapnel on. Maybe it was all so scary because I figured id need to deal with everything as a shell first, and that was too much. But that shell doesnt need to be hollow. Thank you for helping me realize this. Taking thing as I go is most likely the way forward.

Thank you, really ❤️

First of all, wow, truly a feat, writing all that on mobile. Im afraid I wont have it in me to write an equally long essay in response ❤️

Secondly, I do resonate with this alot. Reading this all I come to conclusion ive come to before. Thank you for reminding me of them ❤️

I think I might have gotten really hung up on the “what if im not a woman?” part (ironically, since any labels are the least of my worries). I know that the minor things i started to notice made me feel good. Knowing my experiment did something made me happy. Knowing i didnt feel bad/uncomfortable/“wrong” on HRT made me happy. I was worried about presenting femme because i was afraid of not being seen as a woman. In hindsight maybe I shouldve just waited with that, but im happy i did it because i did get to wear all of the nice clothes i brought 😅❤️

The depression worries stems from last year. I thought i was over my exhaustion/burnout period (which I was talking to a therapist for) but it turns out ending vacation, quitting HRT, going back to my full-time office job and awaiting an ADHD and Autism diagnosis might not be the best combination of events to handle simultaneously. I have noticed very clearly my motivation has dropped significantly after stopping. Self-care really plummeted along side that and I think thats also contributing to the lows.

I guess I hoped for a more clearly defined answer than I got from my test and kinda freaked out when I couldnt figure more out and at the same time just went deeper into my hole.

But I think youre right, if I felt better on estrogen than without it why should I stop taking it? I know im hyped for all of the physical and mental changes HRT provides. I know I want them. I might be somewhat worried about the fertility issue but we kinda had a bleak outlook on that to begin with so it definitely isnt a dealbreaker, although I will look into to sperm banking to see if its even feasible.

I dont really know what more to put into words here. Thank you very much for your comment. I will return to this whenever I need to cheer myself up ❤️

Temporarily stopped HRT right as i went back to work from vacation and its been really draining. I’ve been really tired and exhausted. But I also somewhat feel like the flat, grey, mental state has returned so its not too hard to just push on.

Hello, late reply but im just curious as to what you meant by 2-0-2 etc? Im assuming you refer to dosage per location.

Ive looked into scrotal application and actually did start with that. Will report back on the effects in a couple of weeks. It is kind of a mess though since its alot of gel for a not very big area.

So far no immediate downsides or side effects atleast. If i feel better or just not bad after a while I will probably contact private care and get proper care from there. Time will tell.

I dont know if speed of physical changes is very important right now for me. Its more a test for my mental state and to see whether it is something I want to commit to?

Ive read up a bit on HRT in multiple forms of intake but im really just afraid to not feel better I guess?

Sorry but went a bit off-topic/vent here.

I mean, not to get too depressive, but the thought of death never really scared me. It was just “part of the process” like everything else. Thats about the depths of how little “me” was present in life. I had no autonomy or self because there just wasnt any me to care for? Ive never cared for eating healthy, improving my looks (clothing or hitting the gym), not because ive ever been self-destructive but because it didnt give me anything of “value” for me. What was expected for me there was of no interest to me. I studied whatever let me put least effort while still being enjoyable, as long as it wasnt questioned of was within the expectations on me. I always “toughed it out” if things got hard because thats what was expected of me. I never cared for myself because there never was a self. I found glimpses here and there but shrugged it off as, once again, being a weirdo or just not “vanilla”. I ended up following that though and the trans journey has brought a lot of “life”/“self” back. And im afraid id lose what ive been able to feel if i cant self-accept. Which leads me to HRT, but self-accepting feels like it should come first, which makes this feel wrong in some way.

I dont really know what i feel, i havent really felt before, maybe an odd thing to say, but ive always valued others emotions way higher than my own. My emotions feel so… fake (?). I read the blog post about indirect gender dysphoria and I tick almost everything off. But since i feel like such a plastic version of a human being its hard to judge whether or not anything is right. On that path it feels like this is the right move.

I dont know where im going with this. Maybe its time to go to sleep. Sorry for the 3am rambles. I hope its atleast somewhat coherent as to explain where my brain is.

Very sweet of you, i hadnt thought about it that way but I will keep it in mind! ❤️

As soon as I shaved and got some more forming clothes i did start to like myself more. I think the only physical aspect im currently struggling with is my beard growth, but im looking in to laser for that.

Ofcourse im hyped for all the physical changes that come with E but right now my short-term enemy (apart from the brain goblin) is my beard and voice ❤️

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Dont have time to reply to everything right now but will get around to it tonight. Just wanted to respond to the continuity and resources at hand. I think that will be fine. I have savings to cover private care and thats way faster to start here from what ive heard. Im thinking I might just start with what I have to see how I feel and then get into private care.

I only have the gel now, no antiandrogens, and I could whip out 160€ ish to get bloodwork. It seems like the friend I got this from will be reliable for the time to come. We might meet again this winter and either way they could just send me more since they still get it from their doctor on recipe while doing DIY. But i have no power over what happened there. Although there are other sources for DIY available from what ive heard.

Wait, thats an actual feeling? Like physical? Im only 3 months since cracking my egg and havent started HRT yet. But its reading things like this that make me realize how disassociated ive really been from myself all this time…

It is so nice, knowing what is wrong, knowing what I enjoy and that its fine, knowing what I want and even if i dont know exactly what “label” is correct for me, it doesnt matter. The most important part is that I know where I want to end up and can work towards that ❤️

It also led me to actually be able to accept that what I am feeling is dysphoria, so you know, cant win them all. But ill just take it as a step on the journey. Id honestly rather have that as “temporary” confirmation than dissociative confusion as to what life is dull and hard. 😅

Hey I would assume we’re in the exact same position, kinda assuming we’re in the same country judging by your description. I was just very lucky regarding into the queue for the assessment. I was actually initially booked with a psychiatrist to get placed in queue for ADHD/Autism evaluation but gently posed the question on whether he knew anyone who could help me deal with gender dysphoria. Luckily they had multiple people on that clinic who had previously been working in trans healthcare and immediately booked a time (just the next week) with another psychiatrist/doctor.

The next weekend I had about a one hour meeting with her, she was amazing, basically just immediately put me in queue to the gender dysphoria team at the end of the meeting. But on top of this she went out of her way to say that she could take over all of my current in-progress evaluations, aswell as ensure we took proper values during those blood tests to ensure that “everything was fine if i started treating things on my own”. She “obviously couldnt recommend it” but also nudged me in the direction of “you seem like youve read up on alot”, “most trans people who do it are fine”, “it seems way safer to source now that historically”, and so on. Also reassured me that going DIY cannot stop you from receiving healthcare once youre get through the queue.

From all the horrors ive heard of how the gender dysphoria evaluation teams and doctors treat patients who has done DIY she really gave me the greatest reassurance a doctor could give. She just really wanted to help and I am so grateful for it ❤️

Not saying this is right for you or what you should be doing. I was just extremely lucky since i was already in the system. But we’re both in the queue now, 3 years to go. Atleast… Unless the next government fixes it. Pretty sure I wont be putting my life on hold anymore though. I managed 5 years of work after graduating uni but then i got hit with burnout and i realized i need to do something now, 3 years is crazy. I just wanted to share some positivity in our really garbage system, all of the best wishes to you ❤️

I think my brain had enough and just self-accepted out of exhaustion. It refused to shut up and just wouldnt let me focus on anything else except for constantly questioning if i was really trans, why i was feeling like i wasnt trans enough or why i was experiencing impostor syndrome. So after 3 days straight of researching, reading, pondering and furiously scribbling 10+ pages of whatever the fuck the coherency of my thoughts were i just somehow ended up in “yup, no, you are definitely trans”. And then it turned quiet. So for the first time since i came out as “possible/probably trans” to my closest friends (1,5 months ago) my head is finally quiet :)

Hi, and thank you. I feel practically everything you’re describing. It is hard to describe it. Some days my gender identity feels super obvious, some days I question why I dont feel more terrible when it doesnt align and some days I do feel terrible when it doesnt align. I guess its alot of the “going back and forth” that makes the struggle hard for me? Like, 5/7 days a week I live in the old flesh suit since Im at work (I do just now realize that, even if I dont feel terrible every day im there, i do always long for getting home and re-dressing 😅).

Theres a huge pride parade nearby next weekend and Im determined to go out in fem clothing for the first time 😬❤️ Wish me luck, im super excited 😅❤️

Thank you, that warms my heart ❤️

Thank you so much for this comment. I do have atleast some of these thoughts but just a very hard time accepting my own answers as valid for some reason. The tone in this message is perfect and very much resonates with me, so really, thank you very much for this ❤️

Thank you! I have tried that but I feel like Im so used to being “detached” from myself that it doesnt really feel that terrible, although not right. I do know very surely that I would prefer a feminine body over a masculine one though. That is very apparent to me. I have had extremely litte or no interest at all at expressing or being perceived as masc.

Thank you for the comment. I think the “irreversible” thoughts might make this feel more like a life-or-death situation, but you are entirely right.

And you might be onto something. Ive been at the very least curious about exploring femininity for atleast 16 years. I grew up in a pretty old-fashioned small town and I dont even think I heard the term “trans” until high school. So alot of my teens was just confusion regarding why I didnt like my body and feeling ashamed for wanting to explore my feminine side. The environment was also reflected in my parents and although I felt, atleast then, that they were more well-read and reasonable than most people around there was still not communication or outwards acceptance to anything outside the “old societal norms”.

I tried to keep up the masc appearance, socially and visually, but that never felt right. The solution, which I guess was basically just to survive, was to just wear anything baggy clothes and oversized hoodies so that I didnt have to witness my body. And I guess I just got used to that? I mean. It never felt “good” to dress up but atleast it wasnt terrible. Also, since I didnt like acting masc I usually stayed away from most guys being overly masc, the football dudes acting up and playing macho was terrible so it usually ended up with me hanging out with the weird kids or the girls. Which felt way more at home.

I did have a wild experience when I got my first dress and my partner did my makeup, I think thats the first time I looked in the mirror and thought that I, me, not my clothes but actually my face, looked beautiful. So yeah, might just be used to the lows as you say? That also adds up since i have now noticed the “bad” days where I only see my old features in the mirror and that is a very noticable shift to the bad vibes.