I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
You’re being extremely hard on yourself here; I say so because I struggle with the same thoughts and the same issues. Have you considered that you might have some mental health issues going on that could use therapy or treatment? Or that you might be neurodivergent? I’m autistic with bipolar disorder, and perhaps adhd. I believe that if it was a moral failing on your part. You wouldn’t actually be so disturbed by the difficulty you have in applying yourself. People who don’t care, just don’t care imo.
I have an extremely hard time due to these things. My executive functioning is pretty fucked. Motivation is something I just don’t possess, to the point of not even being able to leave the house even if it’s to do things I normally like to do. I’ll stand up to get ready to do it, and sit right back down, it’s a constant fight. It’s also extremely hard to keep routines, and some regular hygiene stuff has become extremely taxing or hard to remember. Doesn’t help that we are living in a hellscape, that just exacerbates things.
I’m in a period of pretty severe burnout, and it fucking sucks. But I think since I recognized that I do suffer from cognitive difficulties that other people don’t, it’s helped me to be a little bit kinder to myself. When I’m kinder to myself, I beat myself up less and I think that helps me to do more than I would otherwise.
Regarding neurodivergence, I am suspecting more and more that I am autistic. I talked to my mother about my early childhood and I had a lot of sensory issues and coordination issues that took a lot of extra care and occupational therapy to get to a point I could function somewhat normally.
It’s definitely worth looking into. I never in a million years would’ve thought I was autistic until my psychologist put it on the table. Then I started looking into it and it really resonated a lot.
If you’d like to chat a little bit about it I’m really happy to share my experience and some resources, either here or through dm or whatever. It really could help reframe things for you, and maybe help to figure out workarounds and strategies to be able to function a but better than constantly trying to fight against it
I scored 154.
Congrats, and welcome! :)
As most others said, this is definitely clinical depression.
I’ve experienced extremely similar things, and am just now coming out of it (and it may be too early to declare victory). I see you’ve been getting help and it is ineffective. That is pretty common, sadly. Psychology is still in the dark ages.
I don’t have any perfect silver bullets for you. What I will say is that you are NOT broken, you’re not undisciplined, you’re not a piece of shit. We love you, and you’re worthwhile.
It can start off very small. Literally just get out of bed for the day and shower. If that’s all you can do, so be it. The notion that it’s all or nothing, fail or success, is not true when it comes to mental health. Brushing your teeth for 30 seconds once a day is far better than not at all. Rinsing off in the shower is miles better than not even attempting. 10 push ups is a step toward truly working out.
These are all very small things, intentionally. You literally cannot just pull yourself out of it in one swoop. It’s not possible for people like us (or anyone in this situation), and so you shouldn’t be down on yourself because of it or expect to be able to.
This was really ranty and probably all shit you’ve heard before and I apologize for that. These things might not even work for you. I just want you to know that if you keep trying, it will pass. Change is constant - dialectics! You’ve got it, my friend. It may not be soon, but it will get better. And those better days are worth living for.
yes, good enough is better than not at all
I’m glad to hear you’re doing a bit better Teezy, best wishes to your continued recovery and reclamation of your life.
I can very much relate. It was like this constant depression that felt endless even though there were short breaks of feeling okay. I felt alien and very different to “normal” functioning people and basically lived exactly how you described.
Eventually I stumbled upon someone talking about CPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder, it’s basically like ptsd but caused by chronic repeated traumatic events. A lightbulb went off as I learned more about it and I realized that I was in deep denial about being abused and neglected as a kid. I basically internalized what I was told growing up about being lazy, ungrateful, ect. There was also a lot of physical abuse for disappointing my parents so I became obsessed with all the ways I wasn’t good enough. In a fucked up way it kept me safe as a powerless kid. Criticizing myself viscously allowed me to get ahead of what my dangerous parents wanted and put energy into heading it off before things blew up. It was a survival mechanism that was killing me in adulthood.
Obviously I don’t know if you have similar experiences but the way you talk about yourself rings a bell for me, and as lame as it sounds learning to care about and love myself somewhat has been the only way I’ve made any progress towards being happier. When you start to have empathy for yourself you start to want to do all those things to take care of yourself.
All that being said even if you don’t relate to this at all therapy or some kind of mental health assistance is probably the way. Also sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or comes off as armchair diagnosis but I’m passionate about it because I wish the info was available to me before I spent my twenties in self hatred. As it turns out most people are not this hard on themselves and I had no clue. Wishing you well ❤️
While I wasn’t neglected or abused per se, I did grow up in an environment with unusual stressors. I’ll look into CPTSD.
My recommendation is to also look into NARM and IFS.
The feelings you described are pretty much a textbook definition of depression. I would strongly suggest seeing a psychiatrist and basically showing them this post. Not only because there are many options of effective medication that exist today, but also because depression is often comorbid with other mental conditions.
The longer you exist in this state, the harder it becomes to come out of it on your own. Mental health professionals exist specifically to help and guide you through it.
Part of what makes this difficult is that I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a shrink, and trying various different prescriptions for years now. It’s at a point where I don’t know what else to do about it.
That really sucks then, I’m sorry to hear it. Since you’ve already tried (and should keep trying) different traditional methods, have you looked into psychedelics? I personally have had good lasting results with psylocibin, and there are now avenues for MDMA and ketamine therapy for depression.
MDMA is my music festival or good time go to, just remember the 3 month rule (don’t use regularly only once every 3 months) and never go past taking a “point” if it’s pressed pill make sure you take half (I’ve done a quarter too some Euros could be very powerful but I’ve had people tell me not to do that).
I am psychonaut on psychedelics. I can highly recommend and advise anyone through trips with LSD or Shrooms. Psilocybin changed my life got me off a cocaine addiction.
DMT helped me a lot… It got me out of a state that OP is in, and I went back to community college to study my true passion, music. DMT is… It’s an experience.
I am here if anyone would like advice on anything in the psychedelics dept.
Of course to each their own that is my experience with these substances, I am not trying to shove this down anyone’s throat but if they would like my experience I would be glad to share it.
same. weed makes me not feel like shit for a while but i can’t do complex cognitive tasks while i’m high so it’s not a viable long-term solution.
they really don’t have any second-order treatments for us, do they
If you live in a legalized place - see if you can get CBG stuff. There are some concentrates and edibles, as well as more CBG-heavy strains. There’s research that shows promise with ADHD symptoms, and anecdotally it has a mood uplifting effect without fucking you up.
interesting.
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Yeah it really sounds like it - OP as far as practical advice, you definitely need to see medical assistance but the easiest thing to start doing (and start it today!) is taking 30mins to an 1hr to just walk around everyday if possible. It’ll be good for you, it’s easy, it can help ease depression symptoms and it’s easier than anything to make yourself do it.
Executive disfunction is a nightmare, what you are saying here almost describes me to a tee too.
I’m not gonna say you have X or Y, but you definitely need to seek mental health evaluation. I know it is probably tough even thinking of doing that, I only managed to after years of being afraid of doing it.
And please don’t be so though on yourself, it’s easy to take blame for everything, if you really were a coward you wouldn’t make this post. You clearly care about this and want to change, and that shows strength and a will to turn your life around.
I don’t think forcing yourself to change is gonna do you good, instead take it slow.
Something that is really helping me over the years is realizing that much of the reason I have these issues is because of something outside of my control, even when something doesn’t look like it is that. Also being kinder to myself, instead of thinking I’m dumb or a idiot for doing or not doing something and beating myself over it, I try to accept it and realize this stuff happens, telling myself it’s gonna be ok and I try to take it easy. It is really slowly changing my self image, but it is a change nonetheless.
It’s not a linear progression tho and there are gonna be times when it gets tough, but it is possible to get better, I believe in you, comrade.
but you definitely need to seek mental health evaluation. I know it is probably tough even thinking of doing that, I only managed to after years of being afraid of doing it.
i’m on the other end of this and the attempts to get treatment made my life substantially worse 🙃
i’m not afraid of it, but i find the intake process to be a form of self-harm and there’s no alternative offered by current medical practices besides subjecting myself to that over and over.
That sucks. I hope for the best for you!
I know there are a lot of different types of terapy and professionals out there, is there nothing else you can try?
Finding a good professional is tiring honestly. Finding a psychology for terapy has been easy for me so far, but a psychiatrist that actually listens for more than 20 minutes have been hard.
i dunno, i’d need to see an intake process that’s not actively detrimental to my wellbeing and even if that existed or is reformed in time for me, it’s still roulette.
Even if all the me-problems were somehow fixed i’d still be up against a disgusting society trying to grind me to dust so some prick can buy another ivory back-scratcher. so much of the problem is alienation and material conditions and there’s no such thing as prescription friends or living conditions.
Years of therapy have helped me a lot. I’ve turned any meds recommended by choice but the unraveling process has helped a lot.
Don’t have much to add, and I don’t want to sound like “just take a walk bro” but I was going through some similar stuff a while back, and what worked for me was the following. Obviously, medical help is always best.
First I carefully and deliberately dropped all the meds my leech of a shrink put me on based on a horrible misdiagnosis. Obviously don’t do this without a lot of care and consideration, but it was an important bit of the journey because both being on chemicals and dropping them clearly affected my brain.
Then I spent a whole lot of time walking around in my city trying to understand it first hand. Y’know, finding spots where homeless people are safer, where to forage food, places where actual nature still exist and where it has either been destroyed or turned into those sterile settler grasslands. I’m not from around here, but I don’t think people from car-heavy settler cities ever truly know their city on a deep level.
This helped both build some love for the region but also hatred for the impacts of the societal organisations. Parallel to that I researched a lot about how to safely and reliably kill myself (not as an immediate desire, bit for curiousity), and noticed it’d be incredibly expensive.
But honestly, the part that really helped along with all of that was the people. Due to neurospicyness I don’t really enjoy friendships so this is not some mushy “love gives life purpspose” thing, but actively throwing myself at the problems of people around me really made life make some sense.
I guess since I already decided my life had no worth to myself, it can at least serve as a tool to help other people who actually enjoy living have some worthwhile ones. This obviously isn’t the only or best way to this, but thought I should share.
Hope you find a way that works for you somehow.
Unironic anti psychiatrics gang, my best friend just quit Vyvanse and he feels significantly better
Same Ive been recommended it in the past I always turn it down
Always strange to hear these responses. The process to find a working medication for your conditon should be a long, interactive one with lots of reflection. If the benefits outweigh the side effects, use them. If not, try something else (dosage, alternative meds, timing, food etc).
Lisdexamphetamine (Vyvanse, Elvanse) allows me to do my work. The alternative is to sit in front of a screen and browse the internet for 4 hours, only to hastily cobble together something so I don’t get fired, while being wrecked with guilt until I got to sleep. It’s not perfect, but if your brain chemistry is incompatible with the act of writing an email, chemical help is very much appreciated.
I’m not 100% anti-psychiatry and generally don’t advocate for dropping meds (specially if they’re working). But I take particular issue with the overmedicating tendency of modern psychiatry, to the point where people (i.e. my case) get prescribed an endless series of drugs that do more harm than good, without bothering to investigate other causes of my issues.
I’m by no means “cured,” but at least now I know that I’m actually autistic and that’s something I can sorta handle without meds. After some research I even discovered a couple of those meds had some barely statistically significant remission rates, that definitely weren’t worth the cost. But if meds and psychiatric care were free, I’d probably have no issue with them.
For me, when I start working out, it improves me and my live in multiple ways. Apart from the obvious health benefits:
- it makes me want to eat well
- it forces me to take hygiene seriously, because you don’t wanna be unwashed after having worked out
- it encourages me to have a good routine because I work out early in the morning
- it helps me quit smoking and drinking because it gets in the way of gaining muscle
- working out helps improve mental health because of some neurotransmitter/hormone/science bullshit
If you are in a rut you should think about getting into some kind of exercise routine. Simplest one is joining a gym and maybe getting a personal trainer if you can afford one. You can do other things too, like cycling or rock climbing so feel free to explore other options.
You will be useful to the revolution if you don’t feel like shit. Your parents will also appreciate you looking after yourself. So I highly recommend it.
For the past two years I barely worked out because of a back injury. Now I have almost completed the rehab and worked out for four days straight and feeling really well. My body is sore from neck down (except the core). It feels great. I am not an expert. The weights I lift are very modest and I also work out alone (the exercising itself and deciding the workout plan) by myself. But if you are hesitant feel free to shoot questions my way. I will try my best to help.
Part of the issue is getting myself to actually exercise, along with any other form of self care. It’s like something in the back of my mind paralyzes me whenever I consider doing something I know will make me feel better.
Interestingly enough, several years ago, when my self loathing was even stronger than it is now to the point I would basically be shouting at myself in my head most of the time, I managed to exercise pretty regularly.
Start extremely small. And I mean extremely. You can find motivation to do five push ups today, 100%. It might suck, but you can do it.
After you’ve accomplished those you’re not allowed to feel like “I could’ve done more, that was nothing”. You’re the fucking hero of today. What an accomplishment.
Tomorrow you do another five, repeat that for a week if you can, perhaps even a month. Some day you might feel like “eh, I can do 10 today”. Then you do that. If not, you don’t.
After a while you might feel like “Maybe I can do a very short slow walk today”. Then you do that. And if that never happens, you don’t. But perhaps instead you feel like “damn, I’m a person who have done push ups every day for 10 days. That person can akso brush his/her teeth every night”. Then you do that.
Perhaps you feel like that person can have a genuine conversation with their parents for five minutes listening to their day. Now you’re suddenly that person as well. You know what more that person does? Helps out with cooking once a week.
Small good habits, that you credit yourself for, can help build other great habits. And even if they don’t, and you just manage to do those 5 push ups a day. Well, that person beats one who doesn’t!
Edit: Push ups can be substituted for basically anything. Sit ups, burpees, talking a short walk inside your room, meditating, you name it. Anything that’s quick, and “good” for you. That you need to push yourself to do.
I hate gyms, I hate having to travel anywhere for a workout I highly recommend full body exercises, calisthenics, and a good run.
I say this because you can do it right outside your door, no excuses don’t have to travel anywhere.
Are you much of a gamer? Because playing Ring Fit Adventure is the only exercise I do most days. I absolutely don’t have the willpower or know-how to invent an exercise routine and stick to it so gamifying fitness helps me stay active. The completionist drive in me is stronger than all my other impulses I think. Plus, being able to work out alone in the basement at 3am is convenient. The Wii Fit games are good too and I believe cheaper.
One thing I’ve found that’s helped me work out more regularly is picking up a sport or activity you actually like on its own merits. Rock climbing, basketball, soccer, etc. Find a place to do that, then it itself is exercise, and you’ll find it easier to just go for a run or lift weights because you tell yourself it’s to get better at the thing you like.
Rock climbing is great because you are constantly doing stuff that is slightly harder than you think you can do. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, but they are also there for you to learn from.
Let me agree.
When things feel out of control, focus on small things you can control: sleep at the time you decide to, exercise the time you decide to, meditate the time you decide to, get pen and paper, write down everything that comes to your mind, be aware of when your mind go to places you don’t want it to, volunteer and support those that are close to you selflessly. And then maybe you get closer to finding yourself.
But if you have the means, professional therapy, for sure!
I had a back injury lower back sciatica and minor disc herniations, working out has alleviated it a lot but if I stop it starts to strain up.
You might want to chat with a licensed therapist, if you have the option. If you’re having difficulty with motivation and things don’t make you happy like you feel they used to (plus the other things you said), you might have depression.
If so, things like exercise and diet can help a lot. But they may not always and talking to a pro can really help.
If so, things like exercise and diet can help a lot.
fuck yeah people having motivation problems should just do these two difficult high-motivation tasks!
i did not expect to see this fucking much “your bootstraps” bullshit on goddamn hexbear
Different things work for different people. That advice may work for some but certainly not all.
Look i get what you’re saying but pushing myself to stay active PE-wise honestly helped me mental health game so much, I know it’s a heavy task but to build it from the ground level lays a beautiful foundation for mental health clarity every good socialist needs.
Depression runs a wide range of severities, OP was asking for advice, and I also recommended therapy because OP didn’t mention they had gone to it nor did they directly refer to thinking of this as mental health at all. Instead, they were directing negativity at themselves.
Please remember that there are no one-size-fits-all approaches.
As some other comrades have said I think executive dysfunction is something to look into. If you can get evaluated for ADHD I definitely would try to. I have struggled with extremely similar issues and Covid especially compounded that, but about a year ago I finally got my shit together and got an ADHD diagnosis and medication to treat it. I still have a long, long way to go to achieve the things I want to but I can firmly say I have accomplished more in the past year of my life than in the five previous to that.
Progress is going to be slow and incremental, sometimes nonexistent or outright in reverse but it can be done I think. Hopefully you can access some half decent resources where you are.
Relevant ADHD- and EF-related post about the so-called “Wall of Awful”, which explains why it can be so hard to do things sometime, and reminds us to see the work we’re doing even if it’s not necessarily materialized
Holy shit thank you from someone with ADHD (I don’t take meds by choice)
How To ADHD is great, her videos are informative and uplifting
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Someone posted this video on prefederation chapo chat a couple years ago kickstarting the rabbit hole that lead to my adhd diagnosis. I don’t remember if it was you but whoever it was I’m eternally grateful for changing my life.
I don’t think that was me, but that’s really heartwarming to hear it helped you in that way
I probably feel similarly, as someone who got diagnosed last year in my mid-20’s… if it wasn’t for some memes that were concerningly relatable, I’d probably still be undiagnosed and unmedicated, and fighting way harder to function the same. I probably cried the first time I watched the wall of awful video, lmao. I’m a softie and it made me feel seen and understood in a way that is really rare.
I empathise with so much of this.
Except: stop being hard on yourself for not meeting some threshold of usefulness to revolution. You’re in burgerland. The fact that you have class consciousness is already a W. Maybe in alternate timelines there’s versions of you with higher paying jobs, paying their mortgages or maybe even owning property and driving a car. I guarantee to you all those versions of you are libs, and if any of them have class consciousness they’re either capitalists or they’re in denial about it. Those other versions might look like they’re individually winning, but they’re contributing less to humanity winning than you are.
You’re a commie in burgerland. You’re no coward. The currents of capitalism are so strong that it takes more work for you to stand still than it does for libs to swim in the direction they think is ‘forward’.
When this storm passes, consider doing some self-crit about this self-hate. There’s a lot of good advice in this thread but you’re the only one who truly understands your circumstances enough to know which advice is the best for you, and you’re the only one who can choose to follow it.
Gonna add onto the clinical depression train but also suggest maybe get an ADHD eval
Don’t get yourself down comrade, you’re doing a ton of great work on lemmy, and while this isn’t irl organizing, we do have the potential to change the public narrative in a positive way. If we even manage to convert even one liberal to communism, either through our technical labor or our communist agitation, then that is a victory we can be proud of.
I’ve also had to take a break from irl organizing, because I tend to take on way more work than I can handle, and know I’d be too overburdened and can’t handle the extra work right now.
I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility.
I don’t personally believe mindset is ever a real problem, the only problem is that we haven’t yet formed habits to acheive what we want for ourselves. Habits are formed by repetition, not willpower.
I encourage you to write down 10 or so long term goals, put it on a piece of paper, and stick it on your wall. Then recheck that list periodically, to see how you’re doing on it. Make sure it’s things you actually want and like doing. If one of them is “learn to cook”, pick out some things you’ve had at restaurants that you enjoy, and youtube recipe them. Shoot for making one meal you like a week from scratch.
Or if one is “get in good shape”, then create a weekly workout regimen, there are tons of swole and fit comrades who can give pointers who’ve been doing this for years. My one was that I wanted first to be fit, then to have low body fat, then to have a strong upper body, then to get a six pack. Rather than shame or willpower my way through these goals, I slowly formed consistent habits, that I check off in my todo app.
If you want to read more, pick out some books you want to read, and start out with say 10 minutes a day, no internet, reading only. Once the habit forms, you can increase the time if you want to.
I recommend a todo app either like tasks.org, or loop habit tracker… something where you can set recurring habits, and feel satisfied when you check them off. Even for things like hygiene, they can really help you form habits.
You are not a coward comrade, you’re just correctly seeing things you’d like to do to improve yourself, and are failing bc the willpower and shame method doesn’t work.
Habits are formed by repetition, not willpower.
Well put. I am a relatively healthy person yet I can barely get off my phone most of the time.
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Also check out “Spaceship You”
I feel a bit like this but not nearly to this extreme. When I’m tired (which is basically every school day) I tend to only be able to do the easiest thing in front of me. If I have my phone I’ll keep scrolling or checking notifications, if I have a book I’ll keep reading. If you can find it within you to actually grab a book or even play an audiobook while you play a game the inertia will be more productive. You could try keeping your phone outside of the room and read when you go to bed. For another disciplined thing that doesn’t require movement, I suggest meditation. Obviously, this should be in conjunction with dealing with the underlying issues, but I hope it does some good.
This is great advice. No phone time, and meditation, even for short periods of time, really does help.
